What does it mean to live an unconditional life? In her powerful new book, Unconditional, bestselling author Dr. Samra Zafar explores this question with raw honesty and deep insight. Drawing from her personal journey of escaping an abusive marriage, rebuilding her life, and rediscovering her true self, Samra shares how unlearning is the key to setting yourself free.
A sought-after speaker, Samra has inspired audiences around the world with her message of resilience, empowerment, and self-acceptance. Through her work, she helps individuals and organizations cultivate a mindset of growth and belonging. In Unconditional, Samra combines personal storytelling with science-backed strategies to show how we can break free from self-imposed barriers, create healthier neural pathways, and embrace our authentic selves.
We recently spoke to Samra to delve into the key themes of her new book — available in stores now —exploring what an unconditional life means, and how neuroscience can empower us to break free from our limitations to transform our lives.
What is an Unconditional Life?
Speakers Spotlight: The title of your new book is Unconditional. What does living an unconditional life mean to you?
Dr. Samra Zafar: When I left my abusive marriage, I thought my biggest challenge would be to learn new things. I’d never held a job before. But, within a few years, I had a good career, I had found success. So, the biggest challenge wasn’t learning, it was actually unlearning — unlearning all the things I was taught from childhood about my place as a woman in this world. Things like play small, that I couldn’t dream or achieve my dreams, that I should be quiet and submissive and downplay my intelligence. I had to unlearn the limiting beliefs that held me back from living my fullest, unconditional life.
Even though in the eyes of the world I was a liberated woman, internally I was shackled by chains. That propelled me to seek healing. I wanted to be my truest, authentic, and most powerful self. I went to trauma therapy for 3-4 years, 1-2 times a week. It was a lot of work, a lot of pain. I travelled down that dark tunnel not just to find the light, but the entire sun. I liberated myself.
An unconditional life is one where you are empowered to make decisions from your authentic core self. Not from the opinion of others but, you — your inner voice. When you can make decisions from that place, you are free from the conditional.
Unlearning Limiting Beliefs
SpSp: While on your healing journey, what was the biggest belief you had to unlearn and how did that process begin?
SZ: When you have others constantly putting you down, you develop hyper independence. Throughout my life, my empowerment came from my education. It has always been my go-to when I have felt unbalanced. It was an escape from my marriage and even as a child, I grew up in a volatile household and found peace in knowledge.
I subconsciously tied my self worth to my academic achievements and accomplishments. I’d get an award, get some recognition, get an instant high, crash, and go for something else. I was made to feel so inadequate and unworthy in my life that I was masking that with outwardly accomplishments so no one would realize how damaged and broken I was inside.
In order to heal myself, I had to look at that brokenness and address it with compassion, something that I did not get in my earlier life. That healing process is what I share in Unconditional. In my case, my sense of worthiness was tied to external factors. I needed to tune into radical self acceptance and learn to accept and love myself as I am, no matter the titles and awards. When we’re able to accept ourselves and belong with ourselves as we are, that’s when we feel true belonging.
SpSp: What were some of the most surprising scientific findings about healing and unlearning that resonated with you?
SZ: That your brain gives you permission to heal when it’s ready. Early on, I asked my therapist, why now? Why was I doing this now? I was established in my career, I had a great job, I was free from abuse, I didn’t want to deal with my past anymore. He responded with a question — when do you think you would have dealt with it? When you were living in poverty, working two jobs, in an abusive marriage? Healing chooses you. It’s a self protection mechanism because our brain can only handle so much at a time. You have to be in a stable place in order to navigate those inner challenges.
Lately though, it’s the importance of self-compassion. Our natural response is to fight trauma, fight adversity, overcome difficulties. But the essence of healing is not in fighting, it’s in loving. When we practice self compassion and show love towards those parts of ourselves, that’s when we tap into true healing. Hating, fighting, shaming ourselves is all counter-productive to that — shame literally shuts down the learning centres in our brain. It’s the opposite of motivation. To be truly healthy is to have self-compassion — that’s what science tells us.
Rebuilding Our Neural Pathways
SpSp: In your book, you mention creating healthier neural pathways. What are some practical strategies people can use to rewire their thoughts and break free from self-limiting beliefs?
SZ: When you are feeling fear, imposter syndrome, a confidence crisis — just pause. Our emotional brain is 65 million years old, while our rational brain is only 1.5 million years old. It’s much newer. So, when something happens, we’re hard-wired to produce an emotional response before our rational brain kicks in.
This is only heightened when we’re facing ongoing challenges, change, uncertainty, ambiguity, etc. An emotional response is our knee jerk reaction. If you pause to explore where it’s coming from, this will calm your emotional brain and allow the pre-frontal cortex — our rational mind — to take the front seat.
When exploring, be curious towards your fear, your emotions, so you can trace back to the root of where those feelings are coming from. For me, that feeling of fear, anxiety, etc., comes from my upbringing, my marriage. That experience will never go away, it’s part of my mental blueprint, but they’re in the background now, not in the driver’s seat. They’re rooted in my conditioning, not in my reality.
So, when that emotional response is triggered, by pausing and getting curious about it, I can understand why its happening and consciously choose how to act. It may mean that I take care of myself, or it may mean I keep pushing forward, but either way it’s not in the driver’s seat. When you practice that enough, this becomes your new way of thinking. The beauty of healing is that we can create new neural pathways, that’s neuroplasticity.
SpSp: What do you hope readers take away from your book?
SZ: That healing is accessible to all of us. And it’s not just healing from big traumas and adversity, all of us need healing in one shape or form. We’re all living in a culture, in systems that are man-made, and sometimes when we live an authentic life, it can make others uncomfortable, which makes us feel wrong. So, we back down for fear of losing our attachments and bonds. We’re wired for connection, but connections aren’t true unless they welcome our authenticity.
It is absolutely our right to be authentic, to be who we are. Choosing to embark on our healing and choosing unconditionally to be ourselves, allows others to do the same. And that’s how we create a world rooted in authenticity and belonging.
Hire Dr. Samra Zafar to Speak at Your Event
Dr. Samra Zafar’s journey of resilience and self-empowerment has inspired countless individuals to break free from limiting beliefs and embrace their authentic selves. As a keynote speaker, she brings this transformative message to audiences worldwide, blending compelling storytelling with science-backed strategies for personal and professional growth. Whether she’s speaking on resilience, authentic leadership, or inclusive wellness, Samra leaves audiences with actionable insights and the motivation to create real change.
Book Samra for your next event and empower your team to embrace their full potential. Contact us today to learn more.
